The 5 Day Juice Cleanse

I've decided to write about my experience on this Juice Cleanse. I've heard that when the toxins start to leave the body, people can say and do some wild things, like "The hell with this job, i'm outta here..." So, it's probably safer if I write a little daily essay instead of opening up my mouth and alienating the people in my life.

Day One:

FOREVER THE OPTIMIST

Here’s what I’m learning so far on this ‘Juice Cleanse.’ The first juice of the day is green…very green. And it tastes green. I’m not sure if it’s pleasant or not. But, I’m certainly not gulping it as I would my morning orange juice. Or my morning cup of coffee. Perhaps one benefit so far, this process is teaching me to ‘eat’ more slowly? I’ve inserted a straw to help this be more pleasant. A happy little yellow bendy straw.

But let’s backtrack. Yesterday I did my best to ease my way toward this Juice Cleanse by dining on sushi, a little popcorn and at the end of the day, my last glass of vino for thirty days. This is a cleanse, for goodness sake, and I intend to make some changes in my life. Aaacckk…icck…hang on. I just took another sip of the green juice….aackk…..ooooooo….y…yu….yummmy.

As I was saying, I fell asleep after struggling through some chapters of The Pale King and dropped into a nice cozy sleep. But, damned if I didn’t dream about this juice cleanse. Two separate frustrating dreams where the trouble wasn’t getting through the cleanse, the problem was that people kept taking my bottles of juice for themselves, not knowing their purpose and I tried to set things right and retrieve my bottles of juice but it was an endless frustrating game which ended with me holding just one of the thirty necessary bottles, dragging along the empty handy-dandy juice carrier and slogging my way back home. But you know what? In the dream, the bottle of the juice that I did manage to keep for myself tasted a lot better than this vile green stuff I’m sipping. Here’s what I’m drinking: romaine, celery, cucumber, apple, spinach, kale, parsley, lemon.

You’re not going to believe this, but the happy little yellow straw just bounced it’s way out of the bottle and into the garbage can.

Day One, continued

11:33 - I’ve returned from hiking Fryman after finishing only 3/4’s of the green juice. I have a headache threatening to arrive in full force, so now I’m on bottle two of juice. This one features pineapple juice and mint and isn’t too bad.

I must admit that I stopped off at Trader Joe’s on the way home from my hike, stoically avoided the ‘free sample’ table, and picked up some things that are recommended if I just have to supplement this cleanse: green tea, agave nectar and low sodium vegetable broth.

Really, I think I’ll just take a shower and go back to bed, that is always the best way to endure, don’t you think?

Uh oh. I just discovered that, of the 6 bottles of juice that I’m to drink today, 3 of them are the green stuff!!!!

I keep trying to review emails and such on the computer but keep being confronted with photos of delicious sandwiches!!!!! Do I dare drive to Costco to pick up the dog’s medication?

1:05 pm - I’ve almost finished my second juice. I’ve also managed to take down the Christmas tree and all the holiday décor. It’s now in piles in the dining room. Thankfully, the dining room can be closed off because I don’t think I have the strength to pull boxes in from the garage and put things away properly. Headache still hovering.

1:34 pm - Five days of this? Five? What was I thinking? Why didn’t I just start with a three day juice cleanse..or a three day that includes FOOOOOOOODD?

2:33pm - I feel like shit. The Headache is here, and only gets worse when I lay down. Brewing green tea, hoping for relief. It feels like a hangover.

3:26 pm. - A very sad feeling came over me as I was going through the mail and spied a picture of a pizza. The throbbing in my temple and my general feeling of ickiness is less noticeable as long as I stay physically busy.

3:45 pm. - My 19 year old son insists on reading to me from news websites about how what I’m doing is B.S., and that I’m hurting myself. At the same time he and his girlfriend are heating up steak and fries from their dinner last night.

4:20pm - I’m halfway through my second bottle of the green stuff. As the juice providers suggested, I added some fresh lemon juice to make it more palatable. That made it even worse.

I feel quite strongly that the only reason I’m doing so well right now is because I was able to inhale the delicious fumes from my son’s re-heated steak.

4:46p – I’m cold. I can’t get warm. Grandpa? Grandma? Is that you? How are things in heaven?

6:16 – I decided to switch up the order of my juices and grabbed the one meant for bedtime that would seem to provide some protein, the cashew nut one. It’s also the one that seemed like it might actually taste good. That’s right, I was cheating in my order of juices. Indulging in ground cashew nuts in water sweetened with agave and spiced with cinnamon before I’ve earned it. So, arrest me. Unfortunately, not so much of a treat, although I admit it didn’t make me gag. It’s kind of chalky, overly sweet and I think that perhaps it might be better warm. One thing is for sure, these portions are much too much for my body and starting now I’m only asking myself to consume half of each bottle. Still awaiting my attention tonight is another bottle of the green stuff, plus a spicy lemonade. I may just turn in for the night now.

DAY TWO

7 a.m

I made it to day two….yay….

I still have a bit of a headache. What is up with that?

I need more protein, deciding whether to switch up green with cashew…2g protein vs 7 g.

Working out this morning.

Need protein.

Dana, my exercise instructor says so. Or, does she just say that we need to eat before working out. Mulling this over.

Good plan, the instructions say it’s okay to drink half the cashew stuff in the morning, so I’ve poured half into my coffee cup, warmed it in the microwave for a minute, and by golly, this stuff isn’t too bad now… Kinda yummy.

12:01 – I think I’m going to make it! I had a good workout, then grabbed the green gunk, which had chilled to a state of being a slushy, and chugged it while driving to Costco. Made it through Costco to pick up dog’s medication without temptation...although I forgot the other item I was there to get, SmartWater.

My stomach is growling so I’m going to indulge in the pineapple stuff.

I think I’m going to make it.

Headache is even mostly gone.

1:57p. - Still doing pretty, pretty, pretty good. Just took delivery of the juices for Sunday and Monday. Drank the pineapple stuff and had a wonderful, warm bath and am relaxing and doing homework. My stomach is telling me it’s hungry so I may open another bottle and venture on.Or, perhaps I’ll have some green tea. Or, maybe, I’ll have a handful of almonds, wait, no, not allowed, or just a nibble of popcorn, wait, no. I may have to lock myself out of the kitchen.

3:52 p.m. – I needed SOMETHING to chew, so I dashed out to the market and got some organic celery which helped me finish off 3/4 of another bottle of the green stuff. Don’t judge, celery is on the approved ‘cheat sheat’.. Feeling okay.

Calculating the remainder of my day. 1 bottle of the lemonade with cayenne, 1/2 bottle of the cashew ‘milk’, 1 bottle of the green stuff.

I might make it.

DAY THREE

DREAMS!!!

I turned out the lights one hour after consuming what I could of the remaining bottles of juice, then had such difficulty falling asleep. I wasn’t exactly troubled, but I was wakeful. I did my best to snuggle into the pillows and covers of my delicious bed and enter dreamland, and when I did what dreams! Dreams of clarity. I’m not going to get all mystical and stuff, that’s not what I’m talking about.

I had dreams that essentially stripped away all the b.s. that I tell myself about the situations, relationships and realities of my life that cause me pain. Heartbreaking scenes, but scenes that enable me to shed tears and move forward. Away went the cover-ups based on excuses, optimism and forgiveness. One and one was equaling two. Into my dream popped a quote that I’d encountered the day before: “Trust….but verify.” I realized the admonition to ‘turn the other cheek’ doesn’t mean to then allow the offender back into your circle of intimates. Forgive and forget, sure, but don’t forget everything. Especially those who don’t attempt to make amends for the pain they cause.

I won’t go so far as to say I’m a changed person, but I’ve been given a wake up call…while sleeping.

Irony.

When I awoke, I got on the scale and have dropped 2.5 lbs since starting, which I’m well aware will climb back on as soon as I return to eating solid food.

I sipped water and a bit of my leftover day two lemonade and will now plant my feet and throw back some more of the green stuff.

I’m reminded that today is New Years Eve. Because I’m imbibing only juice, my sister encourages me to provide my services as a designated driver. However, if I’m to ring in the new year with a champagne glass filled with green gunk over ice, I’d rather do it in my jammies.

BTW: I’m getting kind of used to this green juice.

DAY FOUR

A FINE FINISH

Day Four

I've dropped just an additional .2 pounds … must have been the cucumber slices….

Happy New Year 2012…I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and fly…

Granddaughter day. I battled the temptation to taste her mac and cheese to make sure it wasn’t too hot, and my habit of licking peanut butter off the knife after making her peanut butter crackers. I managed to stop myself each time.

Day Five

Weight down another pound.

One day to go.

I toyed with the idea of introducing some solid food today, like fish over greens with some vinaigrette, but decided to tough it out. It's totally crazy but I have actually enjoyed each of the three bottles of green juice. I'm feeling a little more hungry than the previous days which I've curbed with celery and green tea.

Benefits so far: my sense of smell seems keener again (in public bathrooms, will that be a good thing?)

Day Six, That’s finished, what’s next?

Yay! I did it, I really did it. I woke up with a flatter abdomen (4.5 lbs lighter) and I’m not craving coffee. And I’m clear and happy. It’s like my appetite has been reset and I intend to take advantage of it by carefully choosing each and everything that goes in my mouth. My first day of solid foods included an apple, coffee sweetened with agave and soy creamer, salmon patty over bitter greens, an Arnold Palmer and some popcorn. No diet pepsi, no meat, no wine, no crackers, no bread.

I celebrated by spending time at the beach with my granddaughter and my friend.

(The next day I’d only gained back half a pound.)

It’s all good. It’s a New Year. It’s going to be a healthy 2012. I hope you are taking care of yourself too!

CLEANSE!

There were so many heartbreaking and disturbing events in my life in the year 2011 that I've decided to cleanse myself of the worst in preparation for a nicer, happier 2012 by undergoing a 5-day juice cleanse. In addition, I'm going to have a body scrub to scrape away the toxins from the body's largest organ, the skin. The different colored juices arrive tomorrow and I'll keep you all posted. It should be interesting, I've never had green juice before, but they assure me it will be delightful. Better than champagne I'm sure!

I wish you all a holly, jolly Christmas!

Very rarely am I a fan of poetry

From the New Yorker this week:

ONE-MAN CIRCUS

Juggler of hats and live hand grenades.

Tumbler, contortionist, impersonator,

Living statue, wire walker, escape artist,

Amateur ventriloquist and mind reader.

Doing all that without being detected

While leisurely strolling down the street,

buying a newspaper on some corner,

Bending down to pat a blind man's dog,

Or sitting across from your wife at dinner,

While she prattles about the weather,

Concentrating instead on a trapeze in your head,

The tigers pacing angrily in their cage.

- Charles Simic

Something completely different

Let's play 'Name That Character':

Liar, Cowardly, Selfish, Ungrateful, Unreliable, Vain, Spoiled, Exploiter, Duplicitous, Dishonest, Male, Lazy, Conniving, Passive-aggressive, Egotistical. Thoughts?

For assistance in defining the characters in your life or fiction, go to:

http://www.epiguide.com/ep101/writing/charchart.html

My heart is so heavy

Our smart, regal, beautiful Kylie is in doggie heaven. May she tap dance through the clouds and be given lots of treats whenever she wants them, and rodents to chase. She was loved.

Elizabeth is now 3!

Three years ago I was shocked to learn that I am a grandmother.

A grandma.

A granny.

Life is full of little surprises and we can’t be prepared for everything, although as adults we often pretend to be. When you and your ex-husband are seated at a sushi bar in Soho and your eldest son, who you’ve come to check on during his first year at NYU, orders a glass of water then reveals to you both that you are grandparents to a one-month-old granddaughter, reactions can be quite different. My reaction was an urgent primal yearning to get my arms around that fragile little angel and plant tender kisses all over her face, neck, arms and toes. My ex’s reaction was the subject for another story.

I earned a new nickname at the end of my first weekend visit from this beloved bundle of surprises. Not wanting to return my baby-powder scented cherub to her other grandparents, I proclaimed that I had crushed chocolate chip cookies and put the crumbs into her bottle of formula so that she would love me best. From then on, I became Grandma Cookie.

Visits from Elizabeth, now 3-years-old, are spent predominately in the kitchen where I serve her what to most children is the preferred choice of nutrition, 'mac ‘n cheese.' I make a killer four-cheese macaroni and cheese -- it’s the only thing that my sons agree on. ‘Izzi’ loves it too, as well as cookies, chocolate milk and sips of my iced tea. So much so that she has almost given up her desire to get down on all fours and eat and drink from the bowls of food set out for my pups Hamish and Kylie. She insisted the other day that she did indeed want to eat one of the dog biscuits...and not one of the whole wheat and bacon ones that I bake, but the milk bone variety. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from raising my sons, it’s that you can advise, admonish and plead that your loved one listens to you, but human beings are just going to do what they’re going to do, and some have to learn lessons the hard way. Each and every lesson.

I gave her a Milk Bone, and we regarded each other over the tray of her high chair. Me calling her bluff, and she with a determination to eat it, but a worry about what it might be like if she crunched down on that dry biscuit. She ultimately got herself out of that dilemma by piling granola onto it, nibbling it off and giving me a satisfied smirk that proclaimed ‘see? I ate it.’

What a little stinker, I can’t wait to see what she does next.

Iowa Farms, California Tables

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